I’m going to start this post with two points..
- My intended purpose to start a blog was not for views or opinions, (that doesn’t mean they aren’t appreciated), but quite simply, to turn my thoughts into words. I wanted to pore every inch of my heart out, anonymously, purely to get words off my chest and out of my head.
- Although my first official blog post is about my anxiety, this blog won’t just be ‘depressing’. It’s just a bit of an insight to who I am, and as anyone who suffers with anxiety will know, it’s a big part of who you are.
I’ll just to do a short (ish) introduction to when I started, well, living my life. Spoiler alert, it’s not that short. Sorry.
From a young (ish) age, I’ve dabbled with alcohol and drugs. Never anything hard, like cocaine or heroin, just alcohol and marijuana. My mother allowed me to drink with my friends at around the age of 14, she’d buy me 3 or 4 cans, she’d want me home by a specific time, and probably a phone call at some point in the night.
But what I found with myself, is I always pushed it too far. 3 or 4 cans was never enough. Me and my friends would always manage to sneak a few from someone else, or maybe round up our spare change and wait for someone to go in the shop haha. Looking back is cringe-worthy, but we were young, and mostly everyone has been there.
I first smoked marijuana when I was around 15. I think I was drinking, and there were quite a few of us, and it was just a drag here and there. I never was a big weed smoker.
Nothing dramatic ever happened, I never took an overdose or ended up in hospital. I got more than drunk on numerous occasions, but never anything out of the ordinary.
3 years on
I’m 18 years old now. I go out (drinking) regularly, well, every weekend. I smoke weed, occasionally, again though, I wouldn’t call myself a smoker.
I rarely talk to anyone regarding my mental health. There’s not a lot to talk about, but I just don’t like discussing it with people. Everyone kind of reacts the same, without even meaning to, they give you the ‘sympathy’ vote, or tread on eggshells, or you just make them feel, awkward.
When I was 16, I won’t get graphic, but I suffered badly with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, (IBS). But this didn’t just affect my bowels, it made me projectile vomit, often. I went through 3 blood tests, 2 urine tests, and I don’t really know the medical term for stool test. Yeah. That happened. I also took a lot of time off college and ended up leaving because my health problems affected my work so bad, I was barely in, and when I was, I left class to vomit, a lot.
Anyway, countless doctors appointments, specialist appointments, different anti-biotics and medications, I even saw a dietitian and started cutting different foods out of my diet. Nothing. This went on for the best part of a year. It was one of the worst times of my life, I was a 16 year old girl who couldn’t live my life the way my friends were.
I don’t really condone ‘googling’ your symptoms. But when worse comes to worse, anything was worth a go. I was desperate, as doctor’s were discussing hospitalizing me for a short period of time.
I saw online, that the symptoms I was going through, had a high chance of being triggered by severe anxiety. Sounds slightly dramatic, but I questioned everything about myself. I guess I was in the stigma of, ‘I don’t get nervous?’, ‘I’m not shy?’
Long ass story, cut slightly shorter, two years ago I got diagnosed with anxiety at 16. I’m not on any medication, not that there’s anything wrong with taking medication. I’m simply trying my best to not get addicted to anything, as it scares me to rely on something that much.
The symptoms aren’t as bad. When I’m put in a situation that I can’t handle very well, I will start to feel nauseous. Sometimes I calm down, sometimes not. I have suffered from panic attacks. A lot of people are shocked when I rarely mention my anxiety. ‘Because I’m so outgoing’.
Anxiety isn’t always not speaking in a crowded room.
Anxiety can be counting the change you have in your hand fourteen times before giving it to the shop owner.
Anxiety can be planning every detail of what you’re ordering for food in case you’re the one who has to phone the take-away.
Anxiety can simply be feeling nervous when someone’s looking at you for too long while you’re talking.
The story has been cut short, (yeah, this is the short version), for now. Maybe I’ll write more on my anxiety, or even anxiety in general! But, it’s currently 3:28 AM. Maybe no one will read this, and that’s cool, as I’ve stated this was simply to get my anonymous thoughts out of my head, for now.
But if someone does, and maybe you feel similarly to the way I did (and still do). Talk about it. It doesn’t even have to be out loud. Write, online or in a journal. Educate yourself on your own body, mentally and physically.